A Good Life

Diane & Keith renewing vows with Father Paul Rasmus of St. Andrews Episcopal Church in Lake Worth

 

Diane and I have just been through one of the busiest holiday seasons, no, busiest any time of any year that I can ever remember. Of course there was Christmas and the New Year but we also renewed our wedding vows on our 30th anniversary on December 28th and our youngest daughter Brittany married the love of her life Jesse on New Year’s Eve. In addition to a tremendous amount of planning, mostly on Diane’s part, all of these events also involved a lot of immediate and extended family time together. Add to that the fact that we are in the last month before I retire and move to North Carolina and you can see it’s been a little hectic around here. As crazy as it’s been though, it’s also been a tremendous blessing to have spent such considerable time with our three girls and our three grandchildren. It has helped remind us about what is really important in life and also given us a pretty good dose of togetherness which we both hope will dull the pain of moving further away from them in a few short weeks.

I have to admit I am not one who makes New Year’s resolutions, probably because when I have they have ultimately ended up with me being disappointed, most often with myself. I know that’s going to sound negative to some of you but it really is not intended to be that way. You see the fact is that I have been attempting to soften my instinctive desire to set expectations, for myself or for anyone else and to let things be the way they are intended to be without outside influence from me. Of course that doesn’t mean I lower my standards or nonchalantly allow bad behavior or dangerous actions to go unchecked, simply that I am learning to be more at peace with who I am; my role in things around me; the impact I allow others to have in my life; the impact I think I can have on those around me. I think it’s called “Letting Go!” There is no doubt this has helped me in no small way over the last few weeks – though Diane might tell you differently.

As I was writing both my renewal vows to Diane as well as my speech for Brittany’s wedding and a few words for my upcoming retirement, the things I wrote crystalized what I think I have been becoming more aware of every day – that I have a really good life! I have had a long and fairly successful career. Diane and I have done as much as we think we can do to prepare for retirement. We have cleared away almost all debt that hung over us for many years. We have a pretty good idea of what our retired life will look like. Our children are for the most part successful, happy and contented, with good husbands, great kids and with lives that are also pretty good! We have AWESOME grandchildren!

So what came first, the good life I have or the letting go? Definitely the good life! So why has it taken me so long to get to this point? Great question!!

As I have written before on this blog (Look well to this day, Most good things are simple are two of them), my tendency was towards looking at the glass half empty; to not being grateful for simple things; for focusing way too much on what I didn’t have rather than what I did. I often looked at the other guys grass and compared what I saw on their outside to what I had, never much thinking about what I couldn’t see – in them or in me – what was going on INSIDE! I realize now that for too long I was trying so hard to portray an image that I thought other people wanted or expected me to be. That much of what I was doing or saying was making me feel WRONG on the inside. Combine this with a personality that is inherently selfish and it’s a recipe for unhealthy living. A friend of ours Stan sums it up perfectly. He says he was “buying things he didn’t need, with money he didn’t have, to impress people he didn’t like”. So as I went about trying to please others, or do what I thought they wanted me to be, my resentments and unhappiness grew and I took it out, as usual on those closest to me. Those who loved me the most.

Not anymore. The last couple of years have seen a mellowing, a “rounding” of the sharp edges of my personality and a true, conscious attempt to be more comfortable in my own skin. That, I hope has translated into a more sane, pleasant and predictable life for those closest to me, Diane, my children, my closest friends and those I have worked with. Obviously they would be better able to tell whether anything I just said is true, but, I feel as if it is. I feel differently now that I have taken a more laid back approach to life in general; a “go with the flow” mentality. Now I hope I’m not jinxing myself here (or anyone else for that matter), because the hectic pace isn’t about to slow up for a little while. The countdown to retirement truly is on hard and fast now and we are starting to finalize our plans for packing up our “stuff”, giving up our townhouse, planning the move, saying our farewell’s and on and on. I make it sound like I’m doing a lot of things but as usual in reality it’s Di doing all the heavy lifting and getting the final pieces all put together. I know we will get through the next three weeks, I suspect with a few rough spots and no doubt more than a few tears and I hope in some small way, I will be making it a bit easier on her and everyone else if I just continue to breathe, and to let go!

Until the next one, Namaste